Wise Women on Parenting Children Through This Election
When I think about parenting through November’s presidential election, I range from feeling avoidant to entirely motivated and morally obligated to lay out the complexity and responsibility of answering the essential question: “What does it mean to be an engaged citizen in our democracy?” I ask myself too, “What does democracy mean to me?”
Our country’s current conditions – even just pulling from the last month – are complicated and heavy. Beyond a global pandemic, the protests in Louisville following the trial of the police officers in Breonna Taylor’s case. The loss and implications of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death. Concerns expressed by President Trump regarding the mail-in voting and a transfer of power if he weren’t to win. A presidential debate marked by shouting and interruptions. President Trump’s and First Lady Melania Trump’s COVID-19 diagnosis.
I know that I must not put my hands up, shrug, or avoid making sense of these conditions. Part of fulfilling my role as a citizen in this current context is through “keep on keeping on-ing” through issues that are personally important to me on an interpersonal, cultural, and institutional level: racial reckoning work, gender equity, education, housing, the environment, and prison reform. I must analyze these key issues, so I can support my own children as they sort through society’s issues, in their own way as children, and someday as teenagers and adults.
One productive way I am leaning in is by seeking clarity on how to parent through the upcoming contentious presidential election. It’s one thing I know I can do and need to do. One of my standby strategies is to call upon the wisdom of my female mentors and friends. The Beatles sang, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” I always adjust this phrase though: I get by with a lot of help from my friends.
In reading about Ruth Bader Ginsburg legacy in The New York Times, I came across this passage: “Dahlia Lithwick, writing in the Atlantic in early 2018 offered this observation, ‘Today more than ever women are starved for models of female influence, authenticity, dignity, and voice and hold up an octogenarian justice as the embodiment of hope for an empowered future.’” The below women are samples of my own beloved and influential circle of authenticity, dignity, and powerful voices.
I reached out to these women, elders and peers, and told them I would like to learn about parenting through the election and helping children understand democracy. I collected these women’s insights, wonderings, and advice that they would be willing to offer. Reaching out is a way I dig in. I share their words with you, my school community, as an invitation to dig in together with Westland children:
Deb Christenson, American History Teacher and Progressive Educator:
In 1840, then 25-year-old Elizabeth Cady Stanton met Lucretia Mott, a Quaker minister at an Anti-Slavery convention in London. The two women were denied seats on the floor of the convention because they were women. They vowed then to hold a women's rights convention. Eight years later, in 1848, their promise to one another became reality in Seneca Falls, New York. Democracy in troubled times calls for promises to one another. Democracy in all times calls for working on behalf of one another, and then finding our way to ourselves. Democracy takes time. Like nurturing a child, the idea of democracy takes shape with patience and practice. We must believe. And we must act on our beliefs.
Regina Pally, founder of Center for Reflective Communities and author of The Reflective Parent
One of my most formative experiences as a child was when my mother took me down to attend the 1963 March on Washington when Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his “I Have a Dream” speech. Also in my family we always discussed current events at the dinner table. You want to teach your children that you believe we should each speak up about what we care about, but that we also have respect for the fact that everyone can have their own opinion. I think children need and want to know what you believe, but also need and want to know that they are free to believe in whatever they believe.
Robyn Murgio Miller, parent educator and co-founder of Mama Needs a Drink
How do you respond when your 8 year old hears Fox News playing at her grandparents' house and comments, “The TV channel that Grandpa watches only says nice things about Trump. Why is that?”
She loves her grandpa, but my husband and I disagree strongly with his politics. So it’s no surprise that our children at the tender ages of 8 and 11 have taken up our views. As frustrating/embarrassing/upsetting as it is to have a parent with such a different worldview, it turns out that it’s a great opportunity to step outside of our family’s Los Angeles bubble and talk about how many people all over the country have different opinions than we do and that is okay. We can love people for who they are in their hearts even if we don’t agree with their political beliefs. So they took the time to talk to their grandpa and try to understand why he feels that way.
I realize the important lesson my parents instilled at a young age – to think for myself and that they will love me no matter what. That is what I want to pass onto my own kids.
Norma Newton, Fabian Flores Publishing founder
I find myself reminding my children that while we may disagree with people about politics, there is no room for name calling. I'm also trying to help the kids understand that protesting, voting, and standing in solidarity with other groups is our patriotic responsibility.
Julie Cho, graphic designer, educator, and publisher
These aren’t easy conversations! The kids have asked so many questions and we have tried to respond openly and honestly. We have expressed our opinions but also made sure that they know that these are our thoughts and opinions from our own understanding of the world; that they too will begin to form their own opinions, perspectives and positions in life and that it is important that those views are their own and that they come from a place of thoughtfulness and context. Some common threads in our conversations have been: allyship; the importance of nuance and complexity; how anger, sadness and rage are very big, real and important feelings; what it means to heal and take care of oneself; the power of open dialogue; privilege; the importance of participation.
Baudalia Taylor, head of school at Crestview Preparatory School
I think that as parents work to navigate these tumultuous times with their children, it is important to remember that it is a moment. We often as parents get hung up on the significance and perceived importance of election years (this is especially true during this election) and forget that the values that guide us at other times apply in these instances too. Parents can focus on helping their children listen respectfully to the views and opinions of others, and similarly to support their children in confidently sharing their beliefs. The aim is civil discourse that is honest – sometimes messy – but always aimed to grow conversation and discussion. In this we help our children be empathetic listeners and confident advocates for the things they believe in.
Dr. Valerie Batts, founder VISIONS Inc.
I'm feeling the heaviness of this painful time a lot at the moment...l can only say, l pray all who can will vote for the chance of a future that moves us forward in the search for equality, not backwards.
Ilise Faye, head of school of Hollywood Schoolhouse
The Dalai Lama says, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others, and if you can’t help them at least don’t hurt them.” We need leaders in countries who care for all people and the earth in which we inhabit. Caring for others and our planet is what we all must strive for. Start in your heart, then your home, then your community, then the nation, then the world.
Collette Bowers Zinn founder and executive director of Private School Axis
I wish I could offer the youth of today a solution – a clear political path to walk towards the promise of equality and equity that this country claims to espouse. But the truth of the matter is that these are scary times for us, and most of us are questioning if a path even exists. The greatest gift I can currently give to you is the truth, the acknowledgement that current times are frightening and the validation of every emotion that you may feel while considering this. Out of this truth, comes another, hope. The truest truth of the matter is that hope creates the path that we are currently questioning, and guides us as we do the often exhausting work to cultivate equality and equity. Hope outweighs all things scary, and every adverse emotion that tries to stand in its path because without it we are simply left with despair. I refuse to offer despair as an option to my children, nor any others, as they deserve all of the equality and equity that their hearts can hold, and then some. So I say, dig deep, past the warranted despair of our current circumstances, until you strike the eternal well of hope within each of us. Be present, be unapologetically political (whatever your cause(s) may be!), choose hope, and live freely.
My hope is that their words offered at least one or two insights to move you forward during these heavy times. When I am inclined to look away, these words are a gentle and forceful reminder to turn my head forward again. So when I read the paper and notice “either/or” thinking being promulgated; vitriolic words, instead of words intended to deepen and expand understanding, being spoken; or a competitive, distrustful framework being touted instead of a cooperative one, I will remember the wise words of these mentors and friends. I will also remember the words of Robin Wall Kimmerer who wrote that in her indiginous tradition, leadership isn’t rooted in power and authority, but service and wisdom. Parenting, too, can be rooted in service and wisdom.
If our country’s democracy is struggling, hobbling, even breaking down in front of our very eyes, I will do my part as a citizen, ranging from the basic act of voting, activism, and philanthropy. I must, too, embody democratic ways of being in my micro communities, my family and my own local communities. As a parent I can model democratic ways of being, through guiding substantive dinner conversation topics to hosting intentional family meetings where we problem-solve family system issues and even come up with service projects together. In my school community, I commit to deepening and even creating democratic systems for increasing voices to be heard and that allow space for new ideas and ways of thinking. I commit to tuning existing systems so fuller participation is possible.
If we take in and try on the practices above that resonate for each of us, then we can lock arms as a community and help children know how to build paths of participation to meaningful democracy in their own communities, starting with their group. Our children then can be increasingly aware of how their decision making affects their lives and the lives of others.
Yes, we must talk together, debate together, participate, not name call, have hope, pray (if that works for you), lean in, serve, not essentialize people, actively listen, breathe, and then start over again. I think our democracy might depend on it.